2/22- on my sister's death

In 2003, my sister died. I was 8, she was 15. It was exactly 13 years ago today, actually- February 22, 2003. I acknowledge this day every year, but never really publicly, something that I think was the result of growing up in a family that Doesn't Really Talk About These Things. Being so young when it happened, it formed and shaped my perception on death in a really big and important way. (here's a photo of her taken shortly before her death, which I adore)

I wouldn't say I'm particularly preoccupied with death, exactly, but I do believe that to ignore or deny the, like, total omnipresent reality that is death is to do ourselves a major disservice. As they say, the only things certain in life are death and taxes, so we may as well accept them. Anyway, I think my main 'thing' about death is the ambiguity that often surrounds it. It's like, this happens so often, yet we are still riddled with so many unanswered questions in regards to it- such as, when will it happen? Why does it happen? Does it actually even mean anything, or is death just another random and chaotic facet of the human condition that Has To Happen To Us? And, most importantly, how do we best survive in a universe where important questions will almost always go unanswered?

Growing up, I was extremely uncomfortable with the word 'dead.' I legitimately wouldn't let anyone use it around me- I would correct them with 'died' or 'passed away'. I really didn't know why- I would just say that 'dead' sounded too harsh. They meant the same thing, but were somehow incredibly different. I didn't think too much into it, but then a handful of years ago I was watching a YouTube video analyzing The Catcher in the Rye (because that's the sort of thing teenage Amanda did for fun in all her free time, lol) a book that I absolutely loved, and still love- and there was a part that really jumped out at me.

If you've ever read this novel, you know that most of it is written in the past tense. There's one line that isn't. There's a paragraph where Holden is using the passive continuous voice, a thing used in writing to, like, distance the speaker from what he/she is saying, and he's like, "I was standing on the hill, and blah blah-" (WAS standing. Not 'I stood', but I was standing.) he rambles on using this passive voice for the remainder of the paragraph, talking about his brother's baseball glove, and then, abruptly- "he's dead now." A punch to the gut, a present tense sentence in a past tense novel. It is written this way intentionally. Not "he died." He Is. Dead. Now. Because death is eternally present tense. The dead don't just die- they remain dead- present tense dead, and that is how they effectively haunt us.

Another realization I've come to about death is that, although it is an entirely universal thing that happens - everyone dies, everyone knows a dead person- every single instance of it, and the way we individually react to it, is overwhelmingly unique. I spent many years being confused and even angry at the way my family operated in regards to my sister's death. They believed that being strong entailed being quiet, that 'dwelling' on grief would only intensify and prolong the healing process. For a while, I agreed with them (or tried to.) I don't anymore, and that's okay. We're both right in our completely opposite perspectives on grieving, because there is no wrong way.

However, despite the inherent uniqueness in the way we process these things, it is helpful to have found people who can express in the way that I do. I've seen this with many of my friends since Richard died 2 years ago. I was so used to not being able to comfortably talk about a dead person that it took me completely by surprise how easily we are able to speak about and remember him- in a good way. Erica and I will drive through the neighborhood that we all grew up in, and suddenly one of us will say, "remember that one time when Richard let us put a full face of makeup on him at my house?" Or someone laughs and Mel comments that it sounded like Richard's, or I can text Graeme or Lindsay or whoever on occasion and just say we miss him.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to comfortably and easily talk about my sister in that way, because we haven't for so long. I hope that one day I can see something and think of her randomly, and just say that out loud. But if not, it'll still be okay. I now believe that we can totally acknowledge the inevitability (and, frankly, shittiness) of death without giving in to hopelessness. We can survive in a universe where important questions often go unanswered, despite it not being ideal. Maybe we just counter those questions with more questions of our own, and that creates a bigger dialogue that we can somehow construe as meaning.

Although 'dead' is undeniably present tense, so are a lot of other things. Or at least, they can be. Like hope, or forgiveness, or whatever, as cheesy as that sounds. Nonetheless, I'm still learning. It's still all a mystery. But I'm thankful for the questions that she's given me. We miss you, Ash. Shouts out to you.

I've missed being emotionally slutty on the internet. Here, let me tell you about my therapist!

preface: 'emotionally slutty' is a Sex & the City reference. As a general rule, I don't refer to things as 'slutty' in a serious manner. Aaaaaand here I go.

It's strange that I haven't written anything on here in 9 months. It's even stranger to think about who I was 9 months ago, and how that person isn't totally 100% familiar to me anymore, as corny as that may sound. I think that's part of why I stopped sharing as much of myself as I once had- because I developed this sort of fear that some people might find it Too Dramatic or Too Uncomfortably Personal- and I still worry about that, a tiny bit. But I guess I've just realized that some people tend to bleed where others simply make conversation, and maybe it's in my best interest to just accept that about myself and run with it. (Or, okay, maybe just jog at a fairly rapid pace with it.)

A few weeks ago, I was having a good old fashioned wine night with friends, and, as it occasionally does, wine night got the best of me. I ended up a sobbing mess on a bathroom floor (yeah, whatever, most of us have been That Girl at least once, OKAY) un-bottling (that's not a word, but it looks right to me, so) several years worth of repression of an incredibly personal past event that I previously had never spoken to anyone about, much to my complete horror the next day. My first reaction was to be incredibly embarrassed and decide immediately that I was never going to face anyone ever again- but once I got past that, I started seriously considering seeing one of those therapists that a few of my more self-aware friends raved about in casual conversation, like an underground hipster coffee shop that you 'totally just have to try'.

A lot of people say they believe that everyone who has access to therapy should utilize it, and I'm now fairly inclined to agree. I'm not saying it solves everything or works miracles, but in the same way that you take vitamins to maintain your physical health even when you're not actively sick, therapy and/or other mental and emotional health coping mechanisms and self check-ins can be helpful at any point in your life- you don't have to wait until you have a borderline breakdown before you do so. In fact, definitely don't wait until that point (And also, don't drink two bottles of barefoot pink moscato in one sitting. Like, ever. Or at least have better taste in cheap wine than me).

Anyway, if you're reading this and wondering what the hell my point is in telling this, I guess the point is that I don't feel like I need to have a point anymore. Sometimes there's merit in just spewing your thoughts out somewhere, messy as they may be. And so that's what I hope to do again. It's a bit late for new year's resolutions, but if I had to have one, it's simply to write things again, and to create again, and to be as honest as I possibly can. Even if the things that I make completely suck. Maybe even especially when they suck, to ensure that I'm not just doing it for a specific type of response. I don't know if my voice or my stories are particularly interesting or helpful, but they're mine. Maybe that's enough.

One of my favorite quotes says,
"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." (PS, yeah, you should have behaved better, asshole who could potentially be reading this. But that's a different story for a different day, with vague detailing to protect the not-so-innocent, ha ha)


 I hope that I can tell them in a way that's fair and authentic and with a bit of humor. And I hope at least one person reads a least a few lines of them. But I'm truly not expecting tooooo much, here- I mean, I'm just a girl who still occasionally drinks bad wine and now raves about her therapist like some underground hipster coffee shop.

Self-Care Methods: Baths, Lingerie, Cats, Whatever Floats Your Boat.

Self care is defined as 'any intentional actions you take to care for your physical, mental and emotional health.' I am HUGE on self-care-  partially because I'm lazy and self-indulgent, and partially because it is actually really important. Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, it's beneficial for your mental and emotional health to take some time for yourself at least once weekly, if not daily (I'm a fan of daily. I do at least one small thing for myself every single day, sort of as like a 'here's a treat for existing and continuing to exist indefinitely' type of thing. This is especially important if you're stressed, depressed, or just having a particularly not-so-great day/week/month etc. Some of these may apply more to girls than guys, but don't let gender norms stop you!!! Men can enjoy a nice bubble bath any day of the week!!! Anyway, here's some of my top ones:

As mentioned above, I LOVE taking baths, Love. I spend, like, two hours in there, at least once a week. I usually take my phone in there and listen to music (and take pictures, tbh, no shame). It's possibly the most relaxing thing I can think of. Major shoutout to Lush store for providing the bath bombs (another thing- people who hate on bath bomb culture are totally boring and bitter- like, what do you have against girls for wanting to smell nice and have soft skin?? Don't knock it till ya try it.) My favorites are Rose Bombshell (which is pictured above- smells amazing and had me feelin' myself all day lol), Sex Bomb, and Phoenix Rising. All of their products make you feel like a pure radiant goddess, actually. Ok, go take a bath.

Speaking of feeling like a radiant goddess, TREAT YA SELF and buy something that makes you feel like a million trillion bucks. I like buying pretty lingerie and underwear because nobody even has to KNOW you're wearing it, but somehow wearing it always makes you feel infinitely more confident. Same with shopping in general- I'm not advising that you turn to consumerism and develop a material dependency in order to cope with your feelings, but sometimes it helps. And I think that's okay to admit. 

I've talked about this one enough, so I won't go on and on about it, but just write. Seriously. Even if you're not good at it, even if you think that you have nothing to write about. There is nothing more therapeutic than spewing your thoughts in an uncensored, private way. It doesn't have to be anything deep or fancy. You don't have to show anyone or be the next great American author. Just write about your day, write about anything. Scribble it down sloppily. Promise you'll feel better.

Go outside. Especially now that it's warm. Disconnecting from everything is real good for the soul and whatnot. I don't know exactly what it is, but I've walked out my front door feeling like one person, and then returned from a walk/sky gaze/rest in a chair outdoors feeling like a completely different person. Just looking at seemingly like mundane stuff like clouds and grass and trees does a whole lot for me, especially after months of seeing dreary skies and snow and having my skin go numb after a few seconds.

Doing something that makes me feel 'maternal' also makes me feel a lot better (such as taking care of my cat or a small child or something little and cute and cuddly of that sort). Again, I don't exactly know how to explain this one, and I know not everyone likes animals or kids, but if you do, then you understand why this one is so helpful. Taking care of something smaller than me kind of gives me a sense of purpose, and in that respect, it ends up doing more for me than it probably does for the pet/baby in question (usually Luna, pictured above, who is my ENTIRE CRAZY CAT LADY WORLD.)

okay, so this has been a post. Hopefully some of this applies to you, or convinces you to go buy a bath bomb or some new underwear or to go look at clouds. 

Life, Lately: 3/22/15

It's been a crazy month, I suppose I could say. I've had a ton of blog ideas and am planning on finally getting back on these for the upcoming month of April- but for now, it's just been a lot of introspection and whatnot. Recently, I made a pretty big mistake. Hopefully I'll be able to come to terms with it and write a detailed post on it later, because I do want to prevent anyone else from making this same mistake- but for now I'm just focusing on moving forward. It's been pretty cool, because I've gained a lot of insight, and feel at my best in terms of my mental/inner self? As my future husband / rapper Aubrey aka ' Drake' Graham once said, "sometimes the negatives help me to get a better picture." So anyway, here's a brief overview of what's been going on in the meantime:

Trying: harder. Just in general.

Learning: a lot. About myself, about the world, etc. Rethinking and reprioritizing  a lot of things in light of new knowledge, which is nice, and proof of growth and whatnot.

Thankful: for the tremendous amount of support from my family, from Alex (who is my boyfriend now, how wild is that lol),  from Anju, from my other close friends. For always being given a second chance. For my ability to see beauty everywhere and in everything, no matter what.

Reading: a ton, finally. I've missed reading for pleasure and not just school. Right now I'm in the middle of 'Me Before You', which is fantastic and funny and heartbreaking in the best way. Now that I've started reading heavily again, I don't think I'll be able to stop.

Writing: also a lot more. Primarily just journaling, which I suggest to everyone- somehow just keeping a 'diary' like a middle schooler is the most stress relieving, mind organizing, settling thing ever. I've also started writing poems again, and drafting blog posts. Ya girl is back!!!!

Listening: To Sufjan Stevens' new album (seriously. This shit is so good for the soul. Do yourself the favor). Listened to the new Kendrick all the way through yesterday (nice??), new Modest Mouse (also nice???),  and of course still always playing my bae Drake. Gotta support.

Feeling: happy, sad, energetic, lazy, reserved, centered, introspective, peaceful, anxious, a billion different things and paradoxes. All is well, though. Such is life, and it is a beautiful life, despite it all.


Sorry this was a bit of a jumbled post that probably nobody will care about besides me, but personal documentation is what this is all about. I hope y'all are doing well !!!!! Don't hesitate to hit me up whether we know each other personally or not, I'm really in the mood to talk and hear different perspectives/stories as of late. STAY COOL bye

FEMALE SEXUALITY AND OTHER BAD WORDS: A Rambling Introduction

okay, SO, I've decided to do a sort of 'blog series' on issues surrounding female sexuality, body image, etc etc etc- and I feel like I've put it off for so long because there's just so much to cover, and I'm still not sure exactly where to start. Anyway, I'm aiming to maintain a somewhat informal tone here and not sound too academic for the sake of not boring anyone to death, so bear with me as I sloppily attempt to cover key points of a hugely complex, systemic societal thing. I'mjust  gonna consider this post somewhat of an introduction to the posts that are to follow...


ANYWAY, something I've kind of struggled with over the past couple years is my concept of my own sexuality. I think it's important to first address what the term 'sexuality' means and what it encompasses- because it's, like, a lot. So people hear the term 'sexuality' and the first thing they think of is either A) the sexual orientation of a person/which gender they are attracted to, or B) sex- sex they are having, aren't having, would like to have, etc. Sexuality does include these things and they're majorly important- but for me, I've always identified as straight, so that was never a big part of my 'confusion' (although I acknowledge that it obviously is a big issue for many people, I'm just not really qualified to speak on that). The thing is, though, that sexuality is so much more broad that we've made it to be. Sexuality also includes things like body image and self esteem, the way you express yourself (via clothing, body language, verbal language, etc), and your attitudes, values, and ideals in regards to your sexual behaviors and relationships.


 I think that my biggest issues were centered around these sort of double standards and conflicting ideals that our society has in place that particularly pertain to the sexuality of WOMEN. I've read a few things that set this alarm off in my head- one of them was this quote about how women are expected to be 'sexy, but not sexual' - and I started seeing how prevalent this ideal was. So we've grown up in this culture where sexualized images and attitudes toward women just run completely rampant- try to take notice of how many you see/hear in a single day but maybe don't pay attention to because it's all so internalized- there's Victoria's Secret billboards on the freeway, ads for strip clubs on the radio, white boys making awful and unfunny jokes in the back rows of lecture halls- I'm serious, this is everywhere, but I'm sure you already are at least aware of this.


Back to the 'sexy but not sexual' aspect of this- given that young girls are surrounded by these messages at all times, it only makes sense that the logical conclusion we'd draw from it is: be sexy! be desirable! And so of course, many young girls attempt to take this route, because again, THAT'S WHAT MAKES SENSE- and are met with an often very cruel and confusing response. I'd say that it's usually around middle school that words like 'slut' begin getting thrown around, and it never really stops from there. Another quote that I like says something like, "people are constantly begging to see the female body, but once they do, somebody's a 'slut'". Slut shaming is an issue that I intend to dedicate an entire post to, so I'm really really getting ahead of myself here- but I wanted to first at least briefly illustrate exactly how backwards and contradictory all of this is.


The main thing that I intend to do with these posts is sort of debunk all of these false conceptions and myths and really harmful ideas that are surrounding female sexuality- and, more importantly, to remove the taboo and stigma from talking about them openly, from being in touch with your own sexuality in a way that's not controlled by society or the media. So look forward to some discussions on body image, female anatomy, the female orgasm (I know right!!! truly getting wild), sex shaming, school dress codes, and a whole bunch more that tie into our personal and societal concepts of sexuality more than we might think. OK I rambled a lot and I AM DONE NOW but I shall return shortly with more dirty words and whatnot

20 Things I Learned by Age 20 (and wish I'd learned sooner)

1. Apathy is not cool. Pretending not to care is a dangerous game. Be honest about your feelings. Tell people you love them, that you've been thinking about their eyes, that they made you angry, whatever it may be. It's scary to be raw and open and sensitive, but it's the ultimate test of your humanity.
2. Negativity is not cool- I'm still working on this one. Practice promoting the things you love as opposed to bashing the things you hate. Love things unabashedly, be excited about things.
3. Talk to strangers whenever you can. Try to make it a real talk, not just small talk. Ask the grocery store bagger how their day is going. You'll be surprised at what you can learn, and from who- as everyone you meet knows something that you do not.
4. Focus particularly on the elderly and small children. The older have seen more of this world that you have, and there is a certain type of wisdom that only 3 year olds possess.
5. Support other women- they are not your competition. They are actually kind of amazing.
6. High school really doesn't matter. Truly. Promise.
7. Life is too short to pretend to hate Taylor Swift, Starbucks, whatever. Being pretentious is a waste of time (someone go back in time and tell my 17 year old self this, please)
8. Self-care is very important. Whether it's taking a bath or staying home to watch Netflix or going shopping, do nice things for yourself. Do them often.
9. No matter what you're feeling, there is a book/song/movie that captures that feeling perfectly and will make you feel less isolated. Find it.
10. Crying is good for you, do it whenever you need to.
11. You will have your heart broken. Probably more than once. It will suck, a lot. The best thing that you can do is to learn from it and to USE it. Transforming pain into any form of art is something that we've been doing for centuries.
12. When it comes to relationships, compromise is necessary- but settling is not. Know your worth, I beg of you. Remember- "You can't make homes out of human beings. If he wants to leave, then let him leave. You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love." Don't chase after any guy. Period.
13. Everybody is cripplingly lonely at times. Everyone. No matter how perfect their life seems or how much fun they appear to be having.
14. You are not as odd as you think you are. “I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.” -Frida Kahlo
15. Binge drinking may sound like a good idea but...it's not. Like, ever. (I think we all learn this the hard way, the morning after). Be careful, be wary of who you're surrounded by.
16. Lipstick goes a long way.
17. Wear whatever you want. Disregard fashion 'rules', create your own signature sense of style.
18. Your family will come in good use. Be as close to them as you can. If you have siblings, try to view them as built-in best friends, as irritating as they can be at times.
19. You're never too old to need your mom. Never, ever, ever.
20. Loving yourself is a revolutionary act. There are old white dudes out there making millions of dollars profiting from our low self-esteem, trying to sell us stuff we don't need. The media is constantly attempting to poison our minds and providing us with impossible ideals. Don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong for thinking that you're beautiful, for posting selfies, for speaking too often or too confidently, for taking up space. Love yourself first and foremost, and always be bold and loud about it.

Life, Lately: Cincinnati visit | mushy relationship-y post, 9/21/14

So I spent this weekend in Cincinnati with Chase (my boyfriend, who attends UC, if you did not know)- and it was wonderful, I am full to the brim with love and gratitude. I figure it's best to recognize and then preserve these moments, because, as the great Kurt Vonnegut once said, "I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.”

anyway, here's just a couple of my favorite parts of this weekend- I already posted two or three of them elsewhere, but here's just a bit more background, I guess. Anyway, infinite thanks to him for providing me with a better visit and more love than I could ever ask for.

 

When I arrived, Chase had dove chocolates in the shape of a heart waiting on the bed. We ate every single one, I think. He also made me my first turkey burger, which was...really good? And I don't know how I'd never had one before? He cooked other things, as well, and I wish I had taken pictures of them, but I was too busy eating. He's a pretty good cook. There. A compliment. Also, if you're with a guy who doesn't cook for you, go find one that does. It's a real life-changer, I'm tellin ya

 

 

The Cincinnati Art Museum- this place was gorgeous, hands down best art museum I have ever been to. It was filled with paintings, which I've noticed a lot of art museums/exhibits are lacking. Not that other art mediums aren't nice as well, but paintings have always been my personal favorite. This is probably my favorite photo ever taken of the two of us, by the way- shoutout to the art museum employee lady for capturing this moment. I wish I had taken more (quality) photos, but all that really matters is that I snuck a picture of the Andy Warhol Campbell soup painting, which had a sign explicitly stating to please NOT take photos of it. I'm rebellious, sometimes.

 

 

 

 

Chase took us to the Half Price book sale, held in some giant empty room- there were tons of people, and even more books. It was some alternative version of heaven, I'm pretty sure. Everything was two dollars- there were people loading up multiple carts full of books. Glorious. The bottom picture is the books that he got for me- a daily yoga exercise book, a book on Claude Monet paintings/methods (my very favorite French impressionist artist, look him up !!!), and then, my favorite: 'How to Raise a Sane and Healthy Cat'- which he found and said I needed...because my cat is probably a little tiny bit not sane and not healthy after being suffocated with the overbearing affection of a crazy cat lady such as myself.

 

 

Finally, on Saturday night, we went to the park near UC that overlooks the entire city, and witnessed the male half of this random adorable couple proposing to his lady just feet away from us. LOOK HOW HAPPY HE LOOKS. It got me thinking about how, at any given time in any given place, the best moment of someone's life could be occurring. In fact, it often is. It's incredible to think that these things happen anywhere, and that sometimes we get to indirectly be a part of them.

 

 So anyway, I'm just very humbled to know somebody whose spirit aligns with mine in so many ways- and even in the ways that they don't, we complement each other's differences so well. I apologize if this is too mushy, but here's the thing: 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'

Life, Lately: 6/2/14

 

 

 

 

 

GOING ORGANIC! My goal for the summer is to greatly reduce the amount of processed foods that I consume, and to incorporate more organically grown fruits/vegetables into my diet. This sounded difficult at first, but the amount of delicious recipes I've found is truly astounding (but can we get a Whole Foods closer in proximity? Please?). Besides food, I've also decided to use organic products, as well. For me, this means organic shampoo, facewash, toothpaste, and makeup. I have purchased most of these things from Whole Foods, and will do a post soon on the benefits of holistic/natural hygiene and beauty, which I'm super excited about because I've been trying a ton of new things and methods!

 

Breakfast with my lil cutie :). I'll spare you all the mushy paragraph that I want to write...but just...*heart eyes emoji*
 

 

Whether I'm snuggled with Luna (the cat pictured above, AKA the light of my life), or playing with the little cuties above that I'm lucky enough to have at my house daily, providing the magical sort of wisdom that only three year olds possess- there is so much love here at this house lately.

Lastly- my one true love, thrifting. I spend a couple hours per trip, and it's probably my biggest hobby, especially for the summer. This photo isn't of the greatest quality, BUT pictured on the right is a replica of a Salvador Dali painting, done when he was only 13 years old! Pretty incredible find for a mere 9 dollars. Anyway, that's it for now. This summer is looking promising in a multitude of ways, and there's so much to do and to be thankful for and I'm just overflowing with happiness. Hope you all are enjoying your days, as well!

 

 

 

 



 

#YesAllWomen- a Revolution Within a Hashtag

As most of you probably know, a few days ago, a college student opened fire at UCSB. The attack left 7 dead (including the gunman) and 13 wounded. Shortly after, videos made by the attacker came to light. These videos, uploaded to youtube, consisted of several minutes of the attacker going on tirades about his hatred of women and his plans to kill them as revenge for, as he worded it, "never giving [him] the sex and attention that [he] deserved". Despite this being a blatant act of misogyny and a hate crime against women- people still refused to label this guy a terrorist. We were met with cries of "but not ALL men!!! this guy was just crazy!!!" But the truth is, this is a problem involving ALL men. This is a societal problem, not just some random one-time crazy thing.

According to TIME, when there is a mass shooter or a massacre, there is a 98% chance that the perpetrator is a man. Yeah, you read that correctly. This country doesn't have a fucking youth violence problem, or even a fucking gun problem- this country has a male killer problem. And that's scary, and important.

The other day, I read something that said "No, not all men harass and abuse women- but all women have been harassed or abused by a man." Although it may not always be in the form of gunfire, violence and other acts of misogyny against women is prevalent and it is happening every day. While most men won't go as far as this man in particular, the poisonous ideals that he held are in the minds of men and boys everywhere. How many of you have ever heard the "Girls only go for jerks! They ignore the nice guys!! I'm a NICE GUY" bullshit, or something of that sort? How many of you (girls) have been harassed by a guy that just wouldn't get it and insisted that you continue to talk to him, despite your obvious discomfort? The idea that men are owed a woman's time or her affection or her body is male entitlement, and it greatly contributed to this shooting. The idea that a girl should date you or sleep with you simply because you were 'nice' to her or bought her dinner or just because you like her, that's male entitlement. Women don't have to talk to you, look at you, smile at you, or fuck you. period.

Anyway, here's my own compilation of a few reasons why #YesAllWomen:

• #YesAllWomen because 1 out of every 5 American women will be the victim of a completed or attempted sexual assault in her lifetime.
• #YesAllWomen because nearly half of all female rape victims were assaulted by a friend or acquaintance- somebody that they knew.
• #YesAllWomen because we can't walk down the street at night without pepper spray.
• #YesAllWomen because 83% of girls between the ages of 12 and 16 have already experienced sexual harassment in school.
• #YesAllWomen because one my friend was bullied and called a 'slut' and 'whore' repeatedly after a guy spread a private photo of her- and nobody said a word about him for betraying her trust.
• #YesAllWomen because a guy that I considered to be a friend attempted to drunkenly assault me at a party when I was 16, and because I immediately left and never went to another party again- and never told anybody why.

In short, #YesAllWomen because all women deserve better. We deserve to speak up and to be heard, and not to be silenced or told we are 'overreacting' or being 'crazy'. We deserve to feel safe. And most importantly, the victims of this tragedy deserved to live. RIP.

Life, Lately

 

 

I still have no idea how to format photos on here, so forgive how terrible this looks (and also forgive that I can't take pictures to save my life) but I've wanted to document everything- for myself. In an effort to watch myself grow and change, I'm capturing everything that matters to me- through both words and photographs. It's been a month of ups and downs, but also a lot of hairstyle changes, fashion exploration, good coffee, a dive into the world of poetry & classics- and of course, an endless series of cat photos. Here's to more pointless blogging once I get my hands on a legitimate camera! I'm excited for all the creative opportunities the future has to offer.

 

 

New Years Resolutions That May Actually Change Your Life

1) Live as honestly as you can. As cliché as it is, you could be dead tomorrow. You could get hit by a bus, you could have an unexpected heart attack in your sleep. Tell people you love them all the time. Tell them you're happy they're alive. When someone hurts you, let them know. Stop pretending you aren't bleeding simply because you don't want to appear weak. "There is nothing more beautiful than being honest and being desperate- and there is nothing more dangerous than pretending you don't care."

2) This is how he will leave you: hours after telling you he loves you- silently, unexpectedly, through back doors and basement windows in the middle of the night. He will never call you again. When you feel tempted to call him first, replay the sound of his tires screeching down the street. Recall how his car always reeked of pot anyway, and how he never once bought you flowers. This year, put the phone down and remind yourself that you cannot be abandoned, you can only be released.

3) Wear whatever the hell you want. It sounds simple, but it never has been. Wear knee high socks in the dead of winter, wear neon orange, wear a cocktail dress to the grocery store. If they stare at you, good. Change your hair color, experiment with different eye makeup. You are Van Gogh and your entire body is a blank canvas for you to paint as you please.

4) stop getting wasted with people who don't give two shits about you. Find the people that you can call at 3 am crying- and then do it. Redefine the perfect Friday night. Spend it making homemade tacos and blackout poetry out of old Bukowski books.

5) Live.

6) Live.

7)Live.

You Will Go to the Paper Towns, and You Will Never Come Back

"It's not even hard enough to be plastic. It's a paper town. All the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. Everyone demented with the mania of owning things. All the things paper-thin and paper-frail. And all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters.” -Paper Towns, John Green.

After a coffee and a chat with a really cool young lad (SHOUTOUT if you're reading this), I've come to realize that I, too, have been living in a paper town. I spent so much time surrounded by Paper People, hoping that I could change them. I know better now. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as knowing better until knowing better is utterly useless. I don't want to be that pessimistic downer who bitches about how their town and everyone in it sucks, because I know that's not true. I've recently learned just how many amazing people I really do have, and I owe so, so much to them. I've realized that you don't have PHYSICALLY escape the Paper Town in order to be free from it. There are always exits, it's just a matter of looking for them in the right places.

As most of you probably know (and some may roll their eyes at), I've long since struggled with the feeling that I'm constantly being covered in paper cuts from this very much Paper Town. I look at so many people I've loved- and still love, although in different ways- and I feel very sad for them. I often see people who have so much potential, who could be so much more if only they hadn't fallen victim to this Paper Town. (how many times can I use that term in one blog post??) Anyway, my point here isn't to sound condescending or pretentious. The point is that I know what it's like to feel like there's so much more out there, and to not understand the people around you. What you need to understand is that mostly everyone is lost. Mostly everyone is scared at least half the time, and are trying to find ways to numb that fear. I may not be close to you, but I'm still gonna ask you to take a long look around you and see what you have that's made of paper. You'd be surprised to learn who your true friends are...and who they aren't. Do you want to be just another Paper Teenager?

In the past few days, I've talked to so many people and reconnected and just generally had a good time. I've been happy, and I don't know how long it's been since I could honestly say that. Instead of thinking about who you have a 'fun' time with, think about who you have an INTERESTING time with. Are your Paper Peers still going to be there for you the next morning when you wake up? To quote John Green one last time- "But who would you DIE for? Who would wake up for at 4 in the morning, even if you don't know why he needs you?" There are real people out there who do care about real things, don't doubt that. I am willing to give you my word. It may be a Paper Town, but within every Paper Town there's always some hidden back roads full of really fucking amazing things and people that you may not have gotten to experience otherwise. For that, I am immensely thankful.

Blogger Gets Deep: On Living Honestly

I'm writing this at 2 in the morning because I've always been a big believer that midnight to 4 am are the most honest hours that we have. 4 am knows more of my secrets than any person ever will. I don't know what I'm really trying to say here, or whether I really even care for anyone to read it. But whoever you are, reading this, I'm going to beg of you to live the most honest life that you know how. I'm not sure what exactly 'honest' entails for you. Personally, I've always been a bit of an extremist. I feel everything deeply and have a lot of passion toward the things and people I care most about. I'd be willing to chase someone down in an airport and plead for them to stay at the last moment (in slow motion, of course. The more melodramatic, the better). I'd write you 365 letters (I wrote you every day for a year! It wasn't over! It still isn't over!), I'd essentially make my entire life into an epic novel if I could. I meet someone and almost immediately ask them what their biggest fear is, or what they think about their first name. It's so interesting to see how people react- they aren't used to anything like it. I feel that raw, unguarded emotion is beautiful. Whether it be joy or sadness, I believe that you should feel everything fully and not have any reservations about expressing it. I'm aware that many people have difficulty with this, and I've begun to realize that this doesn't mean that they DON'T feel, only that they are a product of a society that cuts the wrists off of anyone willing to wear their heart on their sleeve. I'm going to ask you to be honest anyway. Tell people that you love them, say it more often than you feel is necessary. Because that's the point of everything I'm trying to say- it's always necessary. Fuck being afraid of making a fool out of yourself. Cry over a dead animal that you see on the side of the highway (because that is heartbreaking, man. The worst part of driving on freeways). Laugh as loudly as you can at something funny, and don't care who
s watching. Become so excited about something that you're literally jumping and down, unable to contain it. Fight for what you love; fight for who you love. So many people are going to spend their whole lives wondering 'what if'. What if they had told that person how they felt, what if they had asked for that job promotion. Don't be that person. Be alive now, because you will be dead before you know it- I guarantee that. The other day, a good friend said to me: "What I do know is that there's bigger and better things in the world for girls with a mind like yours." I don't know who you are, and I don't know how your life is going or what's weighing on you currently, but I so strongly encourage you to take the time to completely and honestly feel whatever it is. There's so much more out there for you, too. Experience and feel all of it, and don't let anyone take away your ability to fall in love with everything around you and to bleed through others' wounds. Stay honest. It's not the easy way out, it's not the road most taken. But it's the only way that you will be able to say you're truly alive. Stay honest.

On Teenage Girls: Society's Ultimate Punching Bag

I've long since noticed that people, in a general sense, really hate teenage girls. We're mocked, we're written off as shallow, catty, "basic" (the newest favorite). Well, my response to that is a resounding Fuck You. A quote I read awhile back: "People don’t wanna be compared to the teenage girl; the teenage girl is hated, teenage girls hate themselves. If you listen to a certain kind of music, if you express your emotions in a certain way, you're told you 'are being such a girl'." Everything that teenage girls like is ridiculed. We can't even wear certain types of clothing or drink goddamn starbucks coffee without being taunted for it- and why? Why is it that the things that girls like are considered inherently vapid, whereas boys get off to watching other dudes throw a football around or playing video games or listening to shitty rap music, and those are considered legitimate interests? Even girls now say things about how they're "not like the other girls" (a totally different rant for a different day, I'll get to that eventually) because it's considered a terrible thing to be like a girl. Girls want to prove that they're one of the guys, that they don't like the silly shallow girly things that other girls like. Fuck that. I think girls are awesome, because we aren't afraid to be really, genuinely excited about things. We have to take so much shit from society about everything- how we look, what we wear, what we like. Teenage girls are constantly being torn down by everyone. If you think you look cute today, take a selfie. Take a million selfies. Don't stop talking about that boy band or that tv show or even the Twilight movies. You do you, homegirl. My point is, your  'white girl jokes' are more than a harmless joke, they're a reflection of how you feel about women. We take boys seriously. Whether they like football or comic books, we take their interests seriously because we respect men. The root of this unfortunate phenomenon is sexism, point blank. So let's all give girls a break. Let's celebrate girls, because they really are incredibly diverse, and most are pretty cool. I'm off to order a Starbucks mocha in my leggings now

Shit You Should Have Listened to by Now: Slam Poetry Edition

So my junior year of high school, I sort of accidentally stumbled upon a video of a slam poetry performance. I was immediately hooked. These artists, man. The right poem performed by the right person at the right time has the power to change your life (and knock the wind out of you, in some circumstances). I truly believe that. This isn't conventional written poetry. This is innovative, a lot of incorporates music. It's funny, it's inspiring, it's raw as fuck. Do yourself a favor and listen to this.

If you like it, some others you should look up (all on YouTube)

• The Information Man, by Buddy Wakefield
• Hurling Crowbirds at Mockingbars, Buddy Wakefield
• anything and everything Buddy does, actually. The man is a God.
• Shake the Dust, by Anis Mojgani
• If I Should Have a Daughter, by Sarah Kay
• That Girl, by Alysia Harris

+a million more, but these are my top favorites. Concluding post now

On Being 'Nice'

To me, there's a big difference between a ‘nice’ person and a ‘kind’ person. Being ‘nice’ usually involves being simple and sweet. It is usually done to please others. It has everything to do with reputation and nothing to do with actual character. I know a lot of outwardly ‘nice’ people who really have nothing else to offer. Their ‘niceness’ is often, in actuality, just them lacking the complexity to form opinions and speak their mind and stand up for themselves and others. They’re all smiles and compliments and never a rude word because they want people to view them that way. It’s all about reputation. Not saying that’s bad- I’m just saying, it annoys me to see people mistake that as actual goodness. As a matter of fact, fuck goodness. As Buddy Wakefield said- “I don’t care to be good- I care to be whole.” People that are ‘kind’ are not always the ones saying nice things- in fact, some of the truly kindest people that I know are often not always the friendliest or sweetest people on the outside looking in. Because kindness is not really the way that you build yourself up, it’s the way that you are when no one is looking. It’s the things that you find beautiful, it’s the people you’ve cried for and all the stories you’ve taken time to listen to. The exact quote I read was “Kindness connects to who you are, while niceness connects to how you want to be seen.”  I believe in this completely. “Nice” is a sham. I don’t give a shit if I’m nice, honestly. Sometimes I’m just not. I make inappropriate jokes and sometimes judge others and all that other human stuff- and I’m not particularly proud of that, but it is what we are. It’s human. But I’d like to think that, when it comes down to it, I’m kind. Or at least, I have the potential to be. I think that’s what matters. Oooookay