You Will Go to the Paper Towns, and You Will Never Come Back

"It's not even hard enough to be plastic. It's a paper town. All the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. Everyone demented with the mania of owning things. All the things paper-thin and paper-frail. And all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters.” -Paper Towns, John Green.

After a coffee and a chat with a really cool young lad (SHOUTOUT if you're reading this), I've come to realize that I, too, have been living in a paper town. I spent so much time surrounded by Paper People, hoping that I could change them. I know better now. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as knowing better until knowing better is utterly useless. I don't want to be that pessimistic downer who bitches about how their town and everyone in it sucks, because I know that's not true. I've recently learned just how many amazing people I really do have, and I owe so, so much to them. I've realized that you don't have PHYSICALLY escape the Paper Town in order to be free from it. There are always exits, it's just a matter of looking for them in the right places.

As most of you probably know (and some may roll their eyes at), I've long since struggled with the feeling that I'm constantly being covered in paper cuts from this very much Paper Town. I look at so many people I've loved- and still love, although in different ways- and I feel very sad for them. I often see people who have so much potential, who could be so much more if only they hadn't fallen victim to this Paper Town. (how many times can I use that term in one blog post??) Anyway, my point here isn't to sound condescending or pretentious. The point is that I know what it's like to feel like there's so much more out there, and to not understand the people around you. What you need to understand is that mostly everyone is lost. Mostly everyone is scared at least half the time, and are trying to find ways to numb that fear. I may not be close to you, but I'm still gonna ask you to take a long look around you and see what you have that's made of paper. You'd be surprised to learn who your true friends are...and who they aren't. Do you want to be just another Paper Teenager?

In the past few days, I've talked to so many people and reconnected and just generally had a good time. I've been happy, and I don't know how long it's been since I could honestly say that. Instead of thinking about who you have a 'fun' time with, think about who you have an INTERESTING time with. Are your Paper Peers still going to be there for you the next morning when you wake up? To quote John Green one last time- "But who would you DIE for? Who would wake up for at 4 in the morning, even if you don't know why he needs you?" There are real people out there who do care about real things, don't doubt that. I am willing to give you my word. It may be a Paper Town, but within every Paper Town there's always some hidden back roads full of really fucking amazing things and people that you may not have gotten to experience otherwise. For that, I am immensely thankful.

Blogger Gets Deep: On Living Honestly

I'm writing this at 2 in the morning because I've always been a big believer that midnight to 4 am are the most honest hours that we have. 4 am knows more of my secrets than any person ever will. I don't know what I'm really trying to say here, or whether I really even care for anyone to read it. But whoever you are, reading this, I'm going to beg of you to live the most honest life that you know how. I'm not sure what exactly 'honest' entails for you. Personally, I've always been a bit of an extremist. I feel everything deeply and have a lot of passion toward the things and people I care most about. I'd be willing to chase someone down in an airport and plead for them to stay at the last moment (in slow motion, of course. The more melodramatic, the better). I'd write you 365 letters (I wrote you every day for a year! It wasn't over! It still isn't over!), I'd essentially make my entire life into an epic novel if I could. I meet someone and almost immediately ask them what their biggest fear is, or what they think about their first name. It's so interesting to see how people react- they aren't used to anything like it. I feel that raw, unguarded emotion is beautiful. Whether it be joy or sadness, I believe that you should feel everything fully and not have any reservations about expressing it. I'm aware that many people have difficulty with this, and I've begun to realize that this doesn't mean that they DON'T feel, only that they are a product of a society that cuts the wrists off of anyone willing to wear their heart on their sleeve. I'm going to ask you to be honest anyway. Tell people that you love them, say it more often than you feel is necessary. Because that's the point of everything I'm trying to say- it's always necessary. Fuck being afraid of making a fool out of yourself. Cry over a dead animal that you see on the side of the highway (because that is heartbreaking, man. The worst part of driving on freeways). Laugh as loudly as you can at something funny, and don't care who
s watching. Become so excited about something that you're literally jumping and down, unable to contain it. Fight for what you love; fight for who you love. So many people are going to spend their whole lives wondering 'what if'. What if they had told that person how they felt, what if they had asked for that job promotion. Don't be that person. Be alive now, because you will be dead before you know it- I guarantee that. The other day, a good friend said to me: "What I do know is that there's bigger and better things in the world for girls with a mind like yours." I don't know who you are, and I don't know how your life is going or what's weighing on you currently, but I so strongly encourage you to take the time to completely and honestly feel whatever it is. There's so much more out there for you, too. Experience and feel all of it, and don't let anyone take away your ability to fall in love with everything around you and to bleed through others' wounds. Stay honest. It's not the easy way out, it's not the road most taken. But it's the only way that you will be able to say you're truly alive. Stay honest.

On Teenage Girls: Society's Ultimate Punching Bag

I've long since noticed that people, in a general sense, really hate teenage girls. We're mocked, we're written off as shallow, catty, "basic" (the newest favorite). Well, my response to that is a resounding Fuck You. A quote I read awhile back: "People don’t wanna be compared to the teenage girl; the teenage girl is hated, teenage girls hate themselves. If you listen to a certain kind of music, if you express your emotions in a certain way, you're told you 'are being such a girl'." Everything that teenage girls like is ridiculed. We can't even wear certain types of clothing or drink goddamn starbucks coffee without being taunted for it- and why? Why is it that the things that girls like are considered inherently vapid, whereas boys get off to watching other dudes throw a football around or playing video games or listening to shitty rap music, and those are considered legitimate interests? Even girls now say things about how they're "not like the other girls" (a totally different rant for a different day, I'll get to that eventually) because it's considered a terrible thing to be like a girl. Girls want to prove that they're one of the guys, that they don't like the silly shallow girly things that other girls like. Fuck that. I think girls are awesome, because we aren't afraid to be really, genuinely excited about things. We have to take so much shit from society about everything- how we look, what we wear, what we like. Teenage girls are constantly being torn down by everyone. If you think you look cute today, take a selfie. Take a million selfies. Don't stop talking about that boy band or that tv show or even the Twilight movies. You do you, homegirl. My point is, your  'white girl jokes' are more than a harmless joke, they're a reflection of how you feel about women. We take boys seriously. Whether they like football or comic books, we take their interests seriously because we respect men. The root of this unfortunate phenomenon is sexism, point blank. So let's all give girls a break. Let's celebrate girls, because they really are incredibly diverse, and most are pretty cool. I'm off to order a Starbucks mocha in my leggings now

Shit You Should Have Listened to by Now: Slam Poetry Edition

So my junior year of high school, I sort of accidentally stumbled upon a video of a slam poetry performance. I was immediately hooked. These artists, man. The right poem performed by the right person at the right time has the power to change your life (and knock the wind out of you, in some circumstances). I truly believe that. This isn't conventional written poetry. This is innovative, a lot of incorporates music. It's funny, it's inspiring, it's raw as fuck. Do yourself a favor and listen to this.

If you like it, some others you should look up (all on YouTube)

• The Information Man, by Buddy Wakefield
• Hurling Crowbirds at Mockingbars, Buddy Wakefield
• anything and everything Buddy does, actually. The man is a God.
• Shake the Dust, by Anis Mojgani
• If I Should Have a Daughter, by Sarah Kay
• That Girl, by Alysia Harris

+a million more, but these are my top favorites. Concluding post now

On Being 'Nice'

To me, there's a big difference between a ‘nice’ person and a ‘kind’ person. Being ‘nice’ usually involves being simple and sweet. It is usually done to please others. It has everything to do with reputation and nothing to do with actual character. I know a lot of outwardly ‘nice’ people who really have nothing else to offer. Their ‘niceness’ is often, in actuality, just them lacking the complexity to form opinions and speak their mind and stand up for themselves and others. They’re all smiles and compliments and never a rude word because they want people to view them that way. It’s all about reputation. Not saying that’s bad- I’m just saying, it annoys me to see people mistake that as actual goodness. As a matter of fact, fuck goodness. As Buddy Wakefield said- “I don’t care to be good- I care to be whole.” People that are ‘kind’ are not always the ones saying nice things- in fact, some of the truly kindest people that I know are often not always the friendliest or sweetest people on the outside looking in. Because kindness is not really the way that you build yourself up, it’s the way that you are when no one is looking. It’s the things that you find beautiful, it’s the people you’ve cried for and all the stories you’ve taken time to listen to. The exact quote I read was “Kindness connects to who you are, while niceness connects to how you want to be seen.”  I believe in this completely. “Nice” is a sham. I don’t give a shit if I’m nice, honestly. Sometimes I’m just not. I make inappropriate jokes and sometimes judge others and all that other human stuff- and I’m not particularly proud of that, but it is what we are. It’s human. But I’d like to think that, when it comes down to it, I’m kind. Or at least, I have the potential to be. I think that’s what matters. Oooookay