2/22- on my sister's death

In 2003, my sister died. I was 8, she was 15. It was exactly 13 years ago today, actually- February 22, 2003. I acknowledge this day every year, but never really publicly, something that I think was the result of growing up in a family that Doesn't Really Talk About These Things. Being so young when it happened, it formed and shaped my perception on death in a really big and important way. (here's a photo of her taken shortly before her death, which I adore)

I wouldn't say I'm particularly preoccupied with death, exactly, but I do believe that to ignore or deny the, like, total omnipresent reality that is death is to do ourselves a major disservice. As they say, the only things certain in life are death and taxes, so we may as well accept them. Anyway, I think my main 'thing' about death is the ambiguity that often surrounds it. It's like, this happens so often, yet we are still riddled with so many unanswered questions in regards to it- such as, when will it happen? Why does it happen? Does it actually even mean anything, or is death just another random and chaotic facet of the human condition that Has To Happen To Us? And, most importantly, how do we best survive in a universe where important questions will almost always go unanswered?

Growing up, I was extremely uncomfortable with the word 'dead.' I legitimately wouldn't let anyone use it around me- I would correct them with 'died' or 'passed away'. I really didn't know why- I would just say that 'dead' sounded too harsh. They meant the same thing, but were somehow incredibly different. I didn't think too much into it, but then a handful of years ago I was watching a YouTube video analyzing The Catcher in the Rye (because that's the sort of thing teenage Amanda did for fun in all her free time, lol) a book that I absolutely loved, and still love- and there was a part that really jumped out at me.

If you've ever read this novel, you know that most of it is written in the past tense. There's one line that isn't. There's a paragraph where Holden is using the passive continuous voice, a thing used in writing to, like, distance the speaker from what he/she is saying, and he's like, "I was standing on the hill, and blah blah-" (WAS standing. Not 'I stood', but I was standing.) he rambles on using this passive voice for the remainder of the paragraph, talking about his brother's baseball glove, and then, abruptly- "he's dead now." A punch to the gut, a present tense sentence in a past tense novel. It is written this way intentionally. Not "he died." He Is. Dead. Now. Because death is eternally present tense. The dead don't just die- they remain dead- present tense dead, and that is how they effectively haunt us.

Another realization I've come to about death is that, although it is an entirely universal thing that happens - everyone dies, everyone knows a dead person- every single instance of it, and the way we individually react to it, is overwhelmingly unique. I spent many years being confused and even angry at the way my family operated in regards to my sister's death. They believed that being strong entailed being quiet, that 'dwelling' on grief would only intensify and prolong the healing process. For a while, I agreed with them (or tried to.) I don't anymore, and that's okay. We're both right in our completely opposite perspectives on grieving, because there is no wrong way.

However, despite the inherent uniqueness in the way we process these things, it is helpful to have found people who can express in the way that I do. I've seen this with many of my friends since Richard died 2 years ago. I was so used to not being able to comfortably talk about a dead person that it took me completely by surprise how easily we are able to speak about and remember him- in a good way. Erica and I will drive through the neighborhood that we all grew up in, and suddenly one of us will say, "remember that one time when Richard let us put a full face of makeup on him at my house?" Or someone laughs and Mel comments that it sounded like Richard's, or I can text Graeme or Lindsay or whoever on occasion and just say we miss him.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to comfortably and easily talk about my sister in that way, because we haven't for so long. I hope that one day I can see something and think of her randomly, and just say that out loud. But if not, it'll still be okay. I now believe that we can totally acknowledge the inevitability (and, frankly, shittiness) of death without giving in to hopelessness. We can survive in a universe where important questions often go unanswered, despite it not being ideal. Maybe we just counter those questions with more questions of our own, and that creates a bigger dialogue that we can somehow construe as meaning.

Although 'dead' is undeniably present tense, so are a lot of other things. Or at least, they can be. Like hope, or forgiveness, or whatever, as cheesy as that sounds. Nonetheless, I'm still learning. It's still all a mystery. But I'm thankful for the questions that she's given me. We miss you, Ash. Shouts out to you.

I've missed being emotionally slutty on the internet. Here, let me tell you about my therapist!

preface: 'emotionally slutty' is a Sex & the City reference. As a general rule, I don't refer to things as 'slutty' in a serious manner. Aaaaaand here I go.

It's strange that I haven't written anything on here in 9 months. It's even stranger to think about who I was 9 months ago, and how that person isn't totally 100% familiar to me anymore, as corny as that may sound. I think that's part of why I stopped sharing as much of myself as I once had- because I developed this sort of fear that some people might find it Too Dramatic or Too Uncomfortably Personal- and I still worry about that, a tiny bit. But I guess I've just realized that some people tend to bleed where others simply make conversation, and maybe it's in my best interest to just accept that about myself and run with it. (Or, okay, maybe just jog at a fairly rapid pace with it.)

A few weeks ago, I was having a good old fashioned wine night with friends, and, as it occasionally does, wine night got the best of me. I ended up a sobbing mess on a bathroom floor (yeah, whatever, most of us have been That Girl at least once, OKAY) un-bottling (that's not a word, but it looks right to me, so) several years worth of repression of an incredibly personal past event that I previously had never spoken to anyone about, much to my complete horror the next day. My first reaction was to be incredibly embarrassed and decide immediately that I was never going to face anyone ever again- but once I got past that, I started seriously considering seeing one of those therapists that a few of my more self-aware friends raved about in casual conversation, like an underground hipster coffee shop that you 'totally just have to try'.

A lot of people say they believe that everyone who has access to therapy should utilize it, and I'm now fairly inclined to agree. I'm not saying it solves everything or works miracles, but in the same way that you take vitamins to maintain your physical health even when you're not actively sick, therapy and/or other mental and emotional health coping mechanisms and self check-ins can be helpful at any point in your life- you don't have to wait until you have a borderline breakdown before you do so. In fact, definitely don't wait until that point (And also, don't drink two bottles of barefoot pink moscato in one sitting. Like, ever. Or at least have better taste in cheap wine than me).

Anyway, if you're reading this and wondering what the hell my point is in telling this, I guess the point is that I don't feel like I need to have a point anymore. Sometimes there's merit in just spewing your thoughts out somewhere, messy as they may be. And so that's what I hope to do again. It's a bit late for new year's resolutions, but if I had to have one, it's simply to write things again, and to create again, and to be as honest as I possibly can. Even if the things that I make completely suck. Maybe even especially when they suck, to ensure that I'm not just doing it for a specific type of response. I don't know if my voice or my stories are particularly interesting or helpful, but they're mine. Maybe that's enough.

One of my favorite quotes says,
"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." (PS, yeah, you should have behaved better, asshole who could potentially be reading this. But that's a different story for a different day, with vague detailing to protect the not-so-innocent, ha ha)


 I hope that I can tell them in a way that's fair and authentic and with a bit of humor. And I hope at least one person reads a least a few lines of them. But I'm truly not expecting tooooo much, here- I mean, I'm just a girl who still occasionally drinks bad wine and now raves about her therapist like some underground hipster coffee shop.

Self-Care Methods: Baths, Lingerie, Cats, Whatever Floats Your Boat.

Self care is defined as 'any intentional actions you take to care for your physical, mental and emotional health.' I am HUGE on self-care-  partially because I'm lazy and self-indulgent, and partially because it is actually really important. Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, it's beneficial for your mental and emotional health to take some time for yourself at least once weekly, if not daily (I'm a fan of daily. I do at least one small thing for myself every single day, sort of as like a 'here's a treat for existing and continuing to exist indefinitely' type of thing. This is especially important if you're stressed, depressed, or just having a particularly not-so-great day/week/month etc. Some of these may apply more to girls than guys, but don't let gender norms stop you!!! Men can enjoy a nice bubble bath any day of the week!!! Anyway, here's some of my top ones:

As mentioned above, I LOVE taking baths, Love. I spend, like, two hours in there, at least once a week. I usually take my phone in there and listen to music (and take pictures, tbh, no shame). It's possibly the most relaxing thing I can think of. Major shoutout to Lush store for providing the bath bombs (another thing- people who hate on bath bomb culture are totally boring and bitter- like, what do you have against girls for wanting to smell nice and have soft skin?? Don't knock it till ya try it.) My favorites are Rose Bombshell (which is pictured above- smells amazing and had me feelin' myself all day lol), Sex Bomb, and Phoenix Rising. All of their products make you feel like a pure radiant goddess, actually. Ok, go take a bath.

Speaking of feeling like a radiant goddess, TREAT YA SELF and buy something that makes you feel like a million trillion bucks. I like buying pretty lingerie and underwear because nobody even has to KNOW you're wearing it, but somehow wearing it always makes you feel infinitely more confident. Same with shopping in general- I'm not advising that you turn to consumerism and develop a material dependency in order to cope with your feelings, but sometimes it helps. And I think that's okay to admit. 

I've talked about this one enough, so I won't go on and on about it, but just write. Seriously. Even if you're not good at it, even if you think that you have nothing to write about. There is nothing more therapeutic than spewing your thoughts in an uncensored, private way. It doesn't have to be anything deep or fancy. You don't have to show anyone or be the next great American author. Just write about your day, write about anything. Scribble it down sloppily. Promise you'll feel better.

Go outside. Especially now that it's warm. Disconnecting from everything is real good for the soul and whatnot. I don't know exactly what it is, but I've walked out my front door feeling like one person, and then returned from a walk/sky gaze/rest in a chair outdoors feeling like a completely different person. Just looking at seemingly like mundane stuff like clouds and grass and trees does a whole lot for me, especially after months of seeing dreary skies and snow and having my skin go numb after a few seconds.

Doing something that makes me feel 'maternal' also makes me feel a lot better (such as taking care of my cat or a small child or something little and cute and cuddly of that sort). Again, I don't exactly know how to explain this one, and I know not everyone likes animals or kids, but if you do, then you understand why this one is so helpful. Taking care of something smaller than me kind of gives me a sense of purpose, and in that respect, it ends up doing more for me than it probably does for the pet/baby in question (usually Luna, pictured above, who is my ENTIRE CRAZY CAT LADY WORLD.)

okay, so this has been a post. Hopefully some of this applies to you, or convinces you to go buy a bath bomb or some new underwear or to go look at clouds. 

Life, Lately: 3/22/15

It's been a crazy month, I suppose I could say. I've had a ton of blog ideas and am planning on finally getting back on these for the upcoming month of April- but for now, it's just been a lot of introspection and whatnot. Recently, I made a pretty big mistake. Hopefully I'll be able to come to terms with it and write a detailed post on it later, because I do want to prevent anyone else from making this same mistake- but for now I'm just focusing on moving forward. It's been pretty cool, because I've gained a lot of insight, and feel at my best in terms of my mental/inner self? As my future husband / rapper Aubrey aka ' Drake' Graham once said, "sometimes the negatives help me to get a better picture." So anyway, here's a brief overview of what's been going on in the meantime:

Trying: harder. Just in general.

Learning: a lot. About myself, about the world, etc. Rethinking and reprioritizing  a lot of things in light of new knowledge, which is nice, and proof of growth and whatnot.

Thankful: for the tremendous amount of support from my family, from Alex (who is my boyfriend now, how wild is that lol),  from Anju, from my other close friends. For always being given a second chance. For my ability to see beauty everywhere and in everything, no matter what.

Reading: a ton, finally. I've missed reading for pleasure and not just school. Right now I'm in the middle of 'Me Before You', which is fantastic and funny and heartbreaking in the best way. Now that I've started reading heavily again, I don't think I'll be able to stop.

Writing: also a lot more. Primarily just journaling, which I suggest to everyone- somehow just keeping a 'diary' like a middle schooler is the most stress relieving, mind organizing, settling thing ever. I've also started writing poems again, and drafting blog posts. Ya girl is back!!!!

Listening: To Sufjan Stevens' new album (seriously. This shit is so good for the soul. Do yourself the favor). Listened to the new Kendrick all the way through yesterday (nice??), new Modest Mouse (also nice???),  and of course still always playing my bae Drake. Gotta support.

Feeling: happy, sad, energetic, lazy, reserved, centered, introspective, peaceful, anxious, a billion different things and paradoxes. All is well, though. Such is life, and it is a beautiful life, despite it all.


Sorry this was a bit of a jumbled post that probably nobody will care about besides me, but personal documentation is what this is all about. I hope y'all are doing well !!!!! Don't hesitate to hit me up whether we know each other personally or not, I'm really in the mood to talk and hear different perspectives/stories as of late. STAY COOL bye

FEMALE SEXUALITY AND OTHER BAD WORDS: A Rambling Introduction

okay, SO, I've decided to do a sort of 'blog series' on issues surrounding female sexuality, body image, etc etc etc- and I feel like I've put it off for so long because there's just so much to cover, and I'm still not sure exactly where to start. Anyway, I'm aiming to maintain a somewhat informal tone here and not sound too academic for the sake of not boring anyone to death, so bear with me as I sloppily attempt to cover key points of a hugely complex, systemic societal thing. I'mjust  gonna consider this post somewhat of an introduction to the posts that are to follow...


ANYWAY, something I've kind of struggled with over the past couple years is my concept of my own sexuality. I think it's important to first address what the term 'sexuality' means and what it encompasses- because it's, like, a lot. So people hear the term 'sexuality' and the first thing they think of is either A) the sexual orientation of a person/which gender they are attracted to, or B) sex- sex they are having, aren't having, would like to have, etc. Sexuality does include these things and they're majorly important- but for me, I've always identified as straight, so that was never a big part of my 'confusion' (although I acknowledge that it obviously is a big issue for many people, I'm just not really qualified to speak on that). The thing is, though, that sexuality is so much more broad that we've made it to be. Sexuality also includes things like body image and self esteem, the way you express yourself (via clothing, body language, verbal language, etc), and your attitudes, values, and ideals in regards to your sexual behaviors and relationships.


 I think that my biggest issues were centered around these sort of double standards and conflicting ideals that our society has in place that particularly pertain to the sexuality of WOMEN. I've read a few things that set this alarm off in my head- one of them was this quote about how women are expected to be 'sexy, but not sexual' - and I started seeing how prevalent this ideal was. So we've grown up in this culture where sexualized images and attitudes toward women just run completely rampant- try to take notice of how many you see/hear in a single day but maybe don't pay attention to because it's all so internalized- there's Victoria's Secret billboards on the freeway, ads for strip clubs on the radio, white boys making awful and unfunny jokes in the back rows of lecture halls- I'm serious, this is everywhere, but I'm sure you already are at least aware of this.


Back to the 'sexy but not sexual' aspect of this- given that young girls are surrounded by these messages at all times, it only makes sense that the logical conclusion we'd draw from it is: be sexy! be desirable! And so of course, many young girls attempt to take this route, because again, THAT'S WHAT MAKES SENSE- and are met with an often very cruel and confusing response. I'd say that it's usually around middle school that words like 'slut' begin getting thrown around, and it never really stops from there. Another quote that I like says something like, "people are constantly begging to see the female body, but once they do, somebody's a 'slut'". Slut shaming is an issue that I intend to dedicate an entire post to, so I'm really really getting ahead of myself here- but I wanted to first at least briefly illustrate exactly how backwards and contradictory all of this is.


The main thing that I intend to do with these posts is sort of debunk all of these false conceptions and myths and really harmful ideas that are surrounding female sexuality- and, more importantly, to remove the taboo and stigma from talking about them openly, from being in touch with your own sexuality in a way that's not controlled by society or the media. So look forward to some discussions on body image, female anatomy, the female orgasm (I know right!!! truly getting wild), sex shaming, school dress codes, and a whole bunch more that tie into our personal and societal concepts of sexuality more than we might think. OK I rambled a lot and I AM DONE NOW but I shall return shortly with more dirty words and whatnot

20 Things I Learned by Age 20 (and wish I'd learned sooner)

1. Apathy is not cool. Pretending not to care is a dangerous game. Be honest about your feelings. Tell people you love them, that you've been thinking about their eyes, that they made you angry, whatever it may be. It's scary to be raw and open and sensitive, but it's the ultimate test of your humanity.
2. Negativity is not cool- I'm still working on this one. Practice promoting the things you love as opposed to bashing the things you hate. Love things unabashedly, be excited about things.
3. Talk to strangers whenever you can. Try to make it a real talk, not just small talk. Ask the grocery store bagger how their day is going. You'll be surprised at what you can learn, and from who- as everyone you meet knows something that you do not.
4. Focus particularly on the elderly and small children. The older have seen more of this world that you have, and there is a certain type of wisdom that only 3 year olds possess.
5. Support other women- they are not your competition. They are actually kind of amazing.
6. High school really doesn't matter. Truly. Promise.
7. Life is too short to pretend to hate Taylor Swift, Starbucks, whatever. Being pretentious is a waste of time (someone go back in time and tell my 17 year old self this, please)
8. Self-care is very important. Whether it's taking a bath or staying home to watch Netflix or going shopping, do nice things for yourself. Do them often.
9. No matter what you're feeling, there is a book/song/movie that captures that feeling perfectly and will make you feel less isolated. Find it.
10. Crying is good for you, do it whenever you need to.
11. You will have your heart broken. Probably more than once. It will suck, a lot. The best thing that you can do is to learn from it and to USE it. Transforming pain into any form of art is something that we've been doing for centuries.
12. When it comes to relationships, compromise is necessary- but settling is not. Know your worth, I beg of you. Remember- "You can't make homes out of human beings. If he wants to leave, then let him leave. You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love." Don't chase after any guy. Period.
13. Everybody is cripplingly lonely at times. Everyone. No matter how perfect their life seems or how much fun they appear to be having.
14. You are not as odd as you think you are. “I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.” -Frida Kahlo
15. Binge drinking may sound like a good idea but...it's not. Like, ever. (I think we all learn this the hard way, the morning after). Be careful, be wary of who you're surrounded by.
16. Lipstick goes a long way.
17. Wear whatever you want. Disregard fashion 'rules', create your own signature sense of style.
18. Your family will come in good use. Be as close to them as you can. If you have siblings, try to view them as built-in best friends, as irritating as they can be at times.
19. You're never too old to need your mom. Never, ever, ever.
20. Loving yourself is a revolutionary act. There are old white dudes out there making millions of dollars profiting from our low self-esteem, trying to sell us stuff we don't need. The media is constantly attempting to poison our minds and providing us with impossible ideals. Don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong for thinking that you're beautiful, for posting selfies, for speaking too often or too confidently, for taking up space. Love yourself first and foremost, and always be bold and loud about it.

Life, Lately: Cincinnati visit | mushy relationship-y post, 9/21/14

So I spent this weekend in Cincinnati with Chase (my boyfriend, who attends UC, if you did not know)- and it was wonderful, I am full to the brim with love and gratitude. I figure it's best to recognize and then preserve these moments, because, as the great Kurt Vonnegut once said, "I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.”

anyway, here's just a couple of my favorite parts of this weekend- I already posted two or three of them elsewhere, but here's just a bit more background, I guess. Anyway, infinite thanks to him for providing me with a better visit and more love than I could ever ask for.

 

When I arrived, Chase had dove chocolates in the shape of a heart waiting on the bed. We ate every single one, I think. He also made me my first turkey burger, which was...really good? And I don't know how I'd never had one before? He cooked other things, as well, and I wish I had taken pictures of them, but I was too busy eating. He's a pretty good cook. There. A compliment. Also, if you're with a guy who doesn't cook for you, go find one that does. It's a real life-changer, I'm tellin ya

 

 

The Cincinnati Art Museum- this place was gorgeous, hands down best art museum I have ever been to. It was filled with paintings, which I've noticed a lot of art museums/exhibits are lacking. Not that other art mediums aren't nice as well, but paintings have always been my personal favorite. This is probably my favorite photo ever taken of the two of us, by the way- shoutout to the art museum employee lady for capturing this moment. I wish I had taken more (quality) photos, but all that really matters is that I snuck a picture of the Andy Warhol Campbell soup painting, which had a sign explicitly stating to please NOT take photos of it. I'm rebellious, sometimes.

 

 

 

 

Chase took us to the Half Price book sale, held in some giant empty room- there were tons of people, and even more books. It was some alternative version of heaven, I'm pretty sure. Everything was two dollars- there were people loading up multiple carts full of books. Glorious. The bottom picture is the books that he got for me- a daily yoga exercise book, a book on Claude Monet paintings/methods (my very favorite French impressionist artist, look him up !!!), and then, my favorite: 'How to Raise a Sane and Healthy Cat'- which he found and said I needed...because my cat is probably a little tiny bit not sane and not healthy after being suffocated with the overbearing affection of a crazy cat lady such as myself.

 

 

Finally, on Saturday night, we went to the park near UC that overlooks the entire city, and witnessed the male half of this random adorable couple proposing to his lady just feet away from us. LOOK HOW HAPPY HE LOOKS. It got me thinking about how, at any given time in any given place, the best moment of someone's life could be occurring. In fact, it often is. It's incredible to think that these things happen anywhere, and that sometimes we get to indirectly be a part of them.

 

 So anyway, I'm just very humbled to know somebody whose spirit aligns with mine in so many ways- and even in the ways that they don't, we complement each other's differences so well. I apologize if this is too mushy, but here's the thing: 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'